10 Complete Untrue “Facts” About Vampires

You know, I am getting really sick of people watching a handful of movies, skimming a few books, ogling interviews and thinking that they are experts on vampires. And hey, before you say, “it’s spelled vampyre” don’t waste the keystrokes lecturing me. I have enough stuff to worry about without trying to act fancy and impress mortals. I’ll leave that for Anne Rice and the Twilight people.

(1) The Swollen Sun One of the biggest fallacies about vampires is that they can’t be exposed to daylight. Come on now, after thousands of years do you really honestly think that we couldn’t overcome something like that? If we can deal with death, reanimation and occasionally losing a body part then sunlight really isn’t that big a deal. OK, there are limits in regards to exposure but nothing a SPF 50 can’t handle.

(2) Garlic I have no idea what lunatic started that. I have to chalk it up to a really old urban legend of some sort. Why not rosemary or parsley? To date no one has been able to tell me exactly what mystical, magical property garlic has. I eat it all the time and well, I am still here. I may need to pop a breath mint or two but other than that, it has no adverse effect on me.

(3) Vampires Make Awesome Lovers Oh, see, just because you died, came back to life and are pretty much immortal doesn’t mean that you are suddenly graced with sexual prowess that will devastate all. Suffice it to say, if you sucked in the sack before you crossed over, death won’t help your sexual capabilities.

See also  Five Jokes Explained: Why is it Funny?

(4) Mind Reading If vampires had the complete ability to read minds do you really think they would toy with humans? Yes, there are some that can trace thoughts and images but if a vampire (or anyone) had the capability to read someone else’s thoughts they would be working for some secret sect of the government. And please, don’t throw David Blaine or Criss Angel into the mix. They are cheesy magicians with parlor tricks.

(5) Bloodlust Another completely erroneous, misleading notion. Stop and think about it. The body craves and needs nourishment; just because you are dead doesn’t mean you stop eating although I do admit that I love my burgers and steaks bloody rare. The romantic imagery of vampires locked in a tight embrace and feeding off of each other is just that, a contrived notion to make money from mortals that seek to walk on the wild side.

(6) Vampire Clan I know what you are thinking, no, it has nothing to do with the KKK – completely different clan. Contrary to popular belief there are more than a few different types of vampires. Some are minions that serve elders, others are the newly dead that fumble around thinking they are going to burst into flames if they go outside during the day. That is where your clan comes into play. They aren’t like a family but it is their responsibility to teach you the ropes and ensure that you don’t end up on a slab in the morgue only to wake up and scare the holy hell out of everyone when they try to take your liver temperature and your eyes fly open. There isn’t much loyalty in a clan; as soon as you know the basics you are on your own. Sorry, it’s nothing like “Interview With The Vampire”.

See also  How People Cheat in Magic: The Gathering Tournaments

(7) Vampire Rage I once overheard someone say that vampires can rage like weight lifters and body builders that are on steroids. My motto is the same for both groups (the muscle bound and the blood bound) .. if you were a dick before, you will be a dick after. The guy at the gym that drops the weights and picks fights with everyone might be on steroids but you know, there’s a really good chance that he was a total douche bag before he had his first injection. Same thing with vampires; if you were dick-like before the bite, death won’t do much to improve your overall attitude on things.

(8) Transformation While it can be done, it is a physically and mentally taxing occurrence. Morphing into an animal or shapeshifting of any type requires an inherent skill, its not something that you learn from a book. Either you have the talent or you don’t, there is no in between. Role playing games have emulated shapeshifting; there’s nothing pretty about watching someone go from human form to that of an animal. Enough said?

(9) The Vlad ConnectionVlad The Impaler is regarded as the original vampire. While he did have some connections in that department, he wasn’t the first. Vampires have existed since the dawn of time albeit in many different forms. We don’t go around throwing people on pikes, it makes the neighbors nervous.

(10) Coffins Imagine meeting someone, feeling a connection and upon arriving at your domicile they ask, “So, where’s your coffin?” It’s a total mood killer. Coffins are a pain in the ass to get in and out of, even if you have them on the floor, they are still cramped, confining and really restrict your movement if you are one of those toss-and-turn people. Only the newly reanimated sleep in coffins and that’s because they think they have to.

See also  7 Jokes for National Humor Month

For those that still have some romantic notions about vampires and want to see what their name would be if they were born into blood, you can find your moniker here: www.emmadavies.net/vampire/default.aspx