10 “unrated” Films that Aren’t Worth Your Time

When a popular movie comes out, DVD companies like to give us the uncomfortably close treatment, in addition to the actual film. They will issue the DVD with the standard features: a director’s commentary, a preview of the film, and maybe a behind the scenes feature. So just when you finished learning all you could possibly know about The Shaggy Dog….BAM! Six months later, along comes the unrated version of The Shaggy Dog, featuring 15 never before seen minutes of hot licking action! It also has FOUR new commentaries, a blooper reel, and an interview with a real dog! Wow! You better throw that old DVD of The Shaggy Dog in the trash, you jerk! Because check out how NEW and exciting this new one is! It’s new!

But companies are not done there. Once the unrated Shaggy Dog sells its worth in pennies, along comes the DIRECTOR’S CUT of The Shaggy Dog! Wow! Now, it has an additional 17 minutes of leg humpery and ball chasing thrills! It also has EIGHT all NEW commentaries, SIX behind the scenes featurettes, an online car chasing game, and a free ticket inside to see THE SHAGGY DOG 3! By now, if you are truly a shaggy dog enthusiast, you’ve spent $60 on the same movie three times over, and just wait until Christmas, when The Shaggy DA comes direct to video.

This same exact ploy is being used across Hollywood. With twice the payouts and half the effort, why wouldn’t companies just issue the same title twice? That is, as long as you all keep buying them. There is no point in these multiple releases, despite the allure of possible money in their possible pockets. What was to stop Lions Gate Films from releasing Saw unrated the first time around? Why, the idea that you will buy it, and then buy it again when it actually IS unrated of course! Another ploy used is simply the word: unrated. Unrated is a golden word. It simply means “this was not the version of the film we submitted to the ratings board” that’s all. More generally, you will see B grade slasher films, trimmed of all their blood and guts, and given a PG-13 rating so teenagers can buy tickets to it. For the DVD release, the company adds the little blood back in, and touts it around as UNRATED, when in reality, it’s an R rated movie, and was one all along. So don’t be surprised when your treasured new Unrated copy of Unleashed with Jet Li, doesn’t add the hardcore karate sex orgy you were hoping to see, and instead, adds a subplot of a dying pianist.

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Using the term Unrated is also generic enough to not have to actually say what was put back in. It could be thirty seconds, or it could be thirty minutes. “We don’t know…you’ll have to see the movie to find out!!!” But here’s the reality. Most unrated films either do not add the footage directly to the film itself, (it’s usually added in the special features) and when it is added to the film, it usually consists of a few close-ups or some nudity that was edited out of the original, and nothing more. So, seeing as how I would like to prevent people from supporting the monster machine that is unrated garbage, I’ll present to you the 10 Unrated movies that shouldn’t be unrated. Enjoy with rice:

1. Saw: Original release February 2005, re-release October 2005.
Not only did this special “unrated” version come out only 9 months after it’s original release, the new “uncut” Saw added nothing more than a close-up shot of intestines, and a clearer view of a man’s uncovered brain, and nothing more. For those of you who owned the original, and bought the new one (like me) I would be sawing off my feet in anger, and throwing them at the headquarters of Lions Gate Films. (But I won’t be doing that. I need my feet. All you guys go ahead though. Fight the power.)
2. Dodgeball: Original release December 2004, re-release July 2005.
A surprise hit, Dodgeball was a rare PG-13 comedy that was actually funny. It didn’t rely on gross out humor or nudity, it was just funny. But sure enough, trotted out only 7 months after the initial release, the “unrated” version featured ONE minute of additional footage, which basically consisted of some naked cheerleaders. I know. Sounds hilarious. Seriously, why can’t there be pornography on one side, and comedy on the other? Why do they have to mix like peanut butter and chocolate? Oh…cause it’s more acceptable to rent a comedy then porn. Gotcha.
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Original release September 2004, re-release January 2005.
A fine film, and a fine use of trickery by its company. Eternal Sunshine was never re-released as an “unrated” version, but more as a “deluxe edition” which in itself, is fine. What is not fine is that the first disc in the 2 disc set is EXACTLY the same as the original release. Great for learning about Charlie Kaufman’s eating habits, bad for everybody else.
4. Spiderman: original release: November 2002, re-release June 2004.
Oh, so two discs not good enough for you? Released with a boatload of special features, Spiderman was definitely one packed DVD. But using the power of promotion for its sequel, Spiderman 1.5 added whatever else it could grab, and it ended up looking and playing exactly like the original Spiderman, just $14.99 more expensive.
5. Meet The Parents: Original release March 2001, re-release December 2004.
At least this one spent some time apart between released. Released on DVD with virtually nothing to offer besides the film, the re-release added some 20 odd scenes that weren’t funny enough to be in the movie anyway.
6. Unleashed: released rated and unrated simultaneously in October 2005.
Brought up earlier, but needs to be again. Unleashed is one of the most deceivingly marketed films I’ve ever seen. It portrays itself as a huge action powerhouse, but it’s really a mellow drama of a boy who thinks he’s a dog, being mentored by Morgan Freeman. Yeah. I’m not exactly sure what the differences between unrated and rated are on this, but I’m sure it has features some intense Morgan Freeman narrations that were too soothing for theatres.
7. Bad Santa: Director’s Cut: Original release June 2004, re-release October 2006.
This one is special, for the simple reason that it already had its supposed “unrated” edition, called BadDER Santa, which featured one line, and one line only, different from the original film. One can only imagine what will change this time; perhaps they will get desperate and just digitally place a penis in every scene.
8. Not Another Teen Movie: Original release April 2002, re-release July 2005.
Columbia Tri-star decided to blow the dust off this clunker seemingly out of the blue in 2005, too late for any of the fans of the original to notice. After seeing the first one, I can’t imagine them cramming any more poo or poo covered breasticles into the flick, but maybe I just underestimate them.
9. American Psycho: Original release September 2000, re-release June 2005.
One of the most controversial books of the early 90’s tried to become one of the more controversial movies of the early 00’s, but for all the tout of it’s “unrated killer cut” nothing more was added then a few seconds tacked on to a sex scene, and nothing more. Kind of takes the edge out of it, maybe that’s why they didn’t put that on the box.
10. Date Movie: released rated and unrated simultaneously in May 2006.
And finally, possibly the worst comedy ever made gets even worser (more worse?) with a completely unnecessary unrated treatment. The only scene added was one where a woman sits down completely naked, for no reason whatsoever. HILARIOUS! And now, unrated! Ooo, the kid’s will see it now!

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I hope this list helped inform you of the seedy practices of the film companies that entertain us all. Soon, if you keep paying attention, you will know when to spot a movie that will definitely be giving us its ‘unrated’ treatment, and you will be able to either avoid it entirely, or, sell your original and buy the new one before the original is considered worthless. Thanks for reading, and be sure to catch the re-release of this article, titled: BANNED! TOO MUCH HOT SEXY FOR MURDERING CURSE WORDS, NUDITY! UNCUT EDITION 4.7!

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