10 Ways to Gain Weight Fast

Don’t you hate when skinny people talk about being fat? I can fit 10 of you in one pair of my jeans. I can eat you for breakfast and still be hungry. Don’t complain to me about being fat or you just might end up a snack. All I have to do to gain weight is breath. It seems like every breath of air I breathe contains 2,000 calories. If you’re looking to gain weight fast, below are some tips on how I get the job done. I don’t know if there are really 10 ways listed below but the title sounded so much better that way.

First, I watch too much television. You know it is bad when you don’t even need a clock. What time is it? Well, it is half past Oprah and a quarter to Jeopardy. What time is dinner? After Friends is finished, of course. Every time you see a commercial, you know you’ve just gained 10 more pounds.

Next, stop going to the drug store. You don’t need a pharmacist. You need Betty Crocker. She was the greatest chemist that ever lived. What do you take for a headache? Well, I take one brownie and a tall glass of milk. That seems to cure every illness I have. So, this method is sure to give you 10 pounds every time you have a headache.

Now, you can’t expect to gain weight fast if you are still using the four food groups they gave you in school. Try using my new and improved food groups. First, there is the sugar group. This includes Snickers bars and my personal favorite, Recess Pieces. Secondly, you have the soda group. Yes, this includes my morning Pepsi and all the ones after that. Thirdly, you have your snack group. This is chips, Ding Dongs, Twinkies, beef jerky, and anything you can snack on. Yes, a few of those can be cross-referenced to the sugar group. This just makes them even better. Your fourth food group consists of fast food. Arbys, KFC, McDonalds, all of these are great ways to gain about 20 – 40 pounds.

See also  Trick Your Body: Getting Over Jet Lag

Another way to gain weight fast is to be born a woman. Yes, women seem to gain 20 pounds for every pound a man gains. However, for every pound we women loose, men seem to loose 20 more than us. So, if you really want to gain weight fast, you need two x chromosomes instead of one.

Lastly, all of this eating sure can make a person tired. Be sure to lie around the house, sit on your butt, and sleep as often as you’d like. This will ensure that you aren’t burning off the calories that you just ate. You know the program is working when you feel those pains in your chest and your breathing gets heavy for no apparent reason. So, eat fast, get some rest, and I’ll meet you on an episode of Dr. 90210, Extreme Makeover, or The Biggest Looser.