Competing Egos: Why White Men & Black Women Don’t Date Each Other

There have been numerous debates concerning the reason why white men do not want to marry black women. Although untrue, the argument is that white men don’t date and marry black women because they generally don’t find them sexually attractive. This has become a hot issue within Stanford University Professor Ralph Richard Banks’ new book “Is Marriage For White People? How The African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone.” In the book Banks discusses why black women should date “out” and not “down.” She should get married to her equal in education and finance… rather that her equal in background. Statistically, 60 percent of the American black male population has been incarcerated and/or lack higher education. Thus, many successful black women remain unmarried- yet reluctant to date outside of their race. On the contrary, many successful black men are increasingly marrying women outside of their race… and some are saying that white men just aren’t interested in filling the gap.

Historically, white men have been very diverse in their choices for mates. Wherever they laid conquest in foreign lands, they also laid the native ladies. Still today, the notion that white men don’t find black women attractive is preposterous, especially when numerous white male commentators on various television networks have openly claimed, that Beyoncé Knowles is their ideal woman. Other notable black women, that white men publicly love to dream about include- the actress Halle Berry, singer and song writer Rihanna, actress Stacy Dash, singer and actress Janet Jackson and models: IMAN, Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks just to name a few. The reason why many white men don’t date and then marry black women today is not because they are sexually un-attracted, it is primarily because white men and black women have become culturally- the dominant sexes of their races. Consequently, it becomes difficult for one to submit unto the other.

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White men typically have been the bread winners in their families for hundreds of years. Our society has been based upon that very ideal- the man goes to work and makes the money while the woman stays home and makes the home a comfortable place to live. However for black women, this cultural phenomenon has been working in reverse for over 150 years. Since the end of slavery, typically black women have had the responsibility of being the primary bread winners for their families. Even though black men may have worked during the turn of the century, they were often separated from their families by sharecropping or other form of seasonal labor. After slavery, it was difficult for black men to maintain jobs. While black women became figures of comfort in white American homes, black men were seen as culturally dangerous and sometimes perceived as savages. In the early 1900s black women became the iconic Aunt Mammy of America- common necessities for the operation of middle class white women’s households. This phenomenon is discussed in Frances Beal’s 1969 “Black Woman’s Manifesto; Double Jeopardy and depicted on screen in the recent bestseller book turned Academy Award winning movie “The Help.” Both of these pieces discuss the subservient disposition of the African American women. However, overtime the high incidents of incarceration, lack of education and inability to support offspring have given black men a diminishing role in their households. While the increasing education levels and steady employment of black women have made them the backbone of their families and arguably, the dominant sex within the African American community.

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White men have almost always had their choice selection of women- however stereotypical. Their choice woman is usually more subservient within the home. Why white men don’t marry black women is because they are in competition with the black woman’s ego- also known as, her attitude. The black woman’s attitude is by all means a product of her dominant role within her cultural household. It is something that she feels she has earned- and until recently- been unwilling to relinquish. Yet, with growing concerns over being able to find suitable black males to marry, black women have increasingly become more open to addressing this issue. Conversely, white males have yet to face this type of crisis and remain choosy amongst all races of women.

Interesting to note in this recent hot topic discussion, that not only do white men tend to pick most other races before choosing that of a black women, but black woman themselves tend to prefer dating most other races of men before dating white men- including Latino, Jewish, Middle Eastern and Italian men. For many black women, white men are the least desirable in their dating pool of males (asides from Asian) because they are seen as weak. Successful black women tend to seek a strong confidant companion, financially, physically and mentally. Not that white men are not economically sound and intelligent- on the contrary, many black women see them in such a light. Nevertheless, they view white men as lacking confidence or swagger – an equal counterpart to the black woman’s ego or attitude. Swagger, in the black community’s ideology, directly correlates to sexual strength. Notable white male entertainers that possess swagger and heighten black women sexual antenna include: Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Simon Baker and Justin Timberlake.

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When it comes to their dating preferences -both white men and black women tend to be last to date one another. It is not the fact that white men find black women sexually unattractive. On the contrary, they do find them physically appealing. Race politics is generally not the concern either, because white men frequently date other racially ethnic groups. The black woman’s strength and lack of submission is the reason why white men are turned off… and in the end, many are afraid to approach black women. For black women, they are accustomed to the confidant swagger of black men and are sexually turned off by the timid approach of white men. Black women generally see a white man as lacking swagger and sexual confidence- no matter how handsome he may be. In order for these opposites to unite more frequently, black women need to show a little more sensitivity while white men need to have more confidence in their approach. And for heaven’s sake, don’t be intimidated by any woman who shows strength.