Old People Jokes. Part 1

An old man is enjoying chatting with a delightful, attractive young lady, ‘…and how old do you think I am?’
‘Your 85.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘You told me yesterday.’

An old couple were cleaning out the junk they’d accumulated over the years. They come across an old ‘Shoe repair’ voucher – it was 10 years old!
I do not remember taking in a pair of shoes for repair 10 years ago, do you?.
‘No, lets call in to see if their still there.’
They call in and present the ticket.’
The proprietor goes to a back room, fumbles about, comes back, plunks them on the counter and says, ‘they’ll be ready on Wednesday.’

A young girl’s family does not know she’s working as a prostitute. The Police raid the brothel and arrest the girls. They’re lined up along the footpath, and, shock, horror, the girl’s grandmother walks by. Frantic and flustered the girl blurts out, ‘nana, I’m waiting in line, a charity is handing out free oranges.’
Grandma, ‘I’ll be in that,’ and goes to the end of the queue.
The constable, perplexed and astonished, ‘…what…aren’t you a bit long in the tooth for this sort of thing, how do you do it?’
Grandma, ‘its easy, sonny, I remove my dentures and just suck ’em dry.’

An old woman in a nursing home has a perverted habit of exposing herself. She’d walk up to the staff, open her robe and give out a long, blood-curdling, spine-tingling ‘S-H-R-I-E-K.’ One day she enters a male patient’s room and does her thing. The old man slowly turns over and says, ‘Thanks, but no thanks – I’ll just have a meal then rest.

An old couple in a retirement home are having an affair. Well, almost, they do not do much, all day and everyday they just sit about the place staring into the wide blue yonder. But, she thrusts her skinny; wrinkled hand down his pants and holds his penis. One day the old man declares, ‘its over, I’ve had enough, I want this to finish, I’ve found another woman.’
‘What!’ exclaims old girl, ‘at your age, what could she have I do not have?’
‘Parkinson’s Disease.’

A slovenly guy done up in chains, leather, covered in tattoos, teeth missing and sharks teeth round his neck is a confronting spectacle. An old fellow just kept looking at him, and looking, looking, looking. Finally, this gets on the low-life’s nerves, he turns on the old fellow, stands over him and demands, ‘well, what the fuck are you staring at?’
Old fellow, ‘I once screwed a guerrilla, I’m wandering if you’re my son.’

A little old lady shaking violently goes to a Pharmacy, ‘do you sell vibrators?’
Surprised by the request, ‘yes, we do.’
‘Then how do you turn the damned thing off?’

An old woman has her portrait painted, ‘I want to be painted with a diamond necklace, diamond earrings, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold watch.’
‘But your not wearing any of those expensive things,’ says the artist.
‘I know, but when I die my husband is sure to remarry. I want his new wife to go insane looking for the jewelry.’

There’s 3 generations of prostitutes in the family; grandma, mother and daughter.
Daughter, ‘I made $2000 this week.’
Mother, ‘$2000! In my day that was a fortune, I was happy if I made $100/week.’
Grandma, ‘in my day a $100 was a fortune, I was happy if I just had something warm inside me.’

A retired fellow goes to CentreLink to apply for a pension. At the counter the receptionist asks for identification.
‘Oh, I forgot, I’ll have to come back later.’
Receptionist, ‘don’t bother, just take your shirt off.’
The old fellow does and exposes his silvery white, hairy chest.
Receptionist, ‘that’s proof enough,’ and process’s his application.
The old fellow goes home and explains to his wife what happened.
Wife, ‘you should have dropped your pants and applied for a disability pension.’

An elderly couple have a fierce domestic argument. He angrily packs his bags and storms out of the house.
Wife, ‘where are you going?’
‘I’m going to the local brothel, I’m going to work as a gigolo, they’re paid $10 a shot.’
Wife, ‘I’m coming too, I’d like to see you live on $20 a year.’

A young man wandering the supermarket aisles is followed by a dear, little, old lady. ‘I’m sorry to embarrass you,’ she says, ‘but you remind me of my recently deceased son.’
They approach the checkouts, the young man politely allows her to go first. She smiles sweetly and asks, ‘please call me mum and say, bye mum, as I’m leaving.’
The young man does so, then goes through the checkout and is handed an extraordinary large bill. ‘What, it’s far too much!’ he exclaims.
‘Your mum said you would pay,’ said the checkout chick.

A lusting old man was staring at a beautiful young woman, staring, staring, and staring. Finally she has enough of being assaulted by his vulgar stare, she turns to him and vociferates, ‘what the fuck are you staring at?’
Old man, ‘I’m staring at you.’
Young lady, ‘why?’
‘Because I want to fuck ya!’ lusts the old man, ‘why do you think men stare at woman?’

Two old ladies had not seen each other for some time. They exchange the usual greetings then enquire about their husbands.
‘My husband died recently, he was in the garden digging up a cabbage, had a stroke and passed away.’
‘Oh dear,’ says the other lady, ‘what did you do?’
Opened a tin of baked beans and ate that instead.

A 90-year-old man is accused of indecently assaulting an 18-year-old girl.
Lawyer, ‘Did you do it?’
‘Of course not, but I’m so flattered I plead guilty.’

A centenarian was remarrying, his 80 year old son was there, so was his 60 year old grandson and his 40 year old great grandson and his 20 year old great, great grandson, all with spouses, and finally a new born great, great, great, grandson.
The centenarian was asked, ‘at your age, why do you want to marry?’
‘Who says I want to?’

Grandma has a problem with flatulence, she just blows great, big, disgusting farts, it’s dreadfully embarrassing and thoroughly uncouth. Her family decides it’s time to put her in a nursing home. The place is thoroughly modern and clean. She leans to one side, staff rush up and straighten her. She leans to the other side – same.
Family upon visiting, ‘how is it?’
‘Service and facilities are wonderful, but they don’t let you fart here.’

An attractive young lady is working as a barmaid. A disheveled, gray-haired, old fellow rubs and pats her behind. With her hands full of glasses, all she can do is give him her iciest glare. But she comes back, scolds and berates him, ‘who the fuck do you think you are? Do not touch me, get the hell out of here, leave, go now and do not come back.’
The perplexed, disheveled, gray-haired, old fellow looks at her unbelievingly, smiles bemusedly and points politely to another disheveled, gray-haired, old fellow further along the bar.

An old lady answers her door and is greeted by a vacuum-cleaner salesman. She tells him, ‘go away,’ but he’s persistent and wrangles his way into her house.
‘Ma’am, let me demonstrate,’ he dumps a pile of manure on her carpet. ‘If this vacuum-cleaner can’t clean up this pile of putrid manure, I’ll eat it.’
Old lady, ‘you better have a good appetite, the electricity was switched off this morning.’

An old woman always wanted to join a motorcycle club; a big, bearded, tattooed, degenerate fellow quizzes her.
‘Do you have a bike?’
‘Of course, that’s it over there parked under the tree.’
‘Do you drink?’
‘Yep, drink like a fish and I can drink any of you fellows under the table.’
‘Do you smoke?’
‘I smoke like a chimney and I can chain smoke like the best of you.’
‘Have you ever been picked up the fuzz?’
The old woman has to think a little, ‘no, but I’ve had my tits sucked dry on many occasions.’

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Your getting old when you notice Policemen are getting younger.

You’re old when your ears and nostrils are hairier than your head.

Why did the old man put wheels on his rocking chair?
He wanted to rock-and-roll.

The little, old lady who peed in the ocean, what did she say?
‘Every little bit helps.’

One old man telling another about his infatuation for a woman, ‘Jesus mate, I’d crawl a mile over broken glass just to hear that sheila piss into a jam tin.’
‘Have you told her that’s how you feel about her?’

An old atheist finally dies, Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates greets him and introduces him to God, and as soon as they meet they start arguing.

Teacher asks a pupil, ‘where’s your heart?’
The little boy rubs his behind.
‘Why do you think that’s your heart?’
‘Every time grandma visits, she picks me up, pats my bottom and says, ‘bless his little heart.’

An old couple awake from a good night’s sleep. He romantically reaches over and clasps her hand. ‘Do not touch me,’ she responds.
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m dead.’
Husband, ‘what are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.’
‘I’m dead, I’m definitely dead.’
‘Your not dead, what in the world makes you think your dead?’ asks husband.
‘I awoke this morning and nothing hurts.’

Wisdom accumulated with the maturity of senior years: –
It does not take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
The good judgment of senior years comes from experience, most of that being bad judgment.

A wizened, old man goes to the movies for the first time in years. He buys an ice cream – $3! ‘Good grief,’ he exclaims, ‘in my day it was .20c.’
‘Well,’ replies the attendant, ‘your in for a real treat, these days we’ve got sound.’

An old fellow suffering from Alzheimer’s disease goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and says, ‘we’ll have to operate and remove 50% of your brain.’
The old man agrees, the operation is over and the doctor says, ‘I have some good news and some bad news. The operation is a success, but upon opening your skull we found the disease was worse than expected so we removed 99% of your brain instead.’
The old man jesters with his thumb and says, ‘she’ll be right, mate.’

An old man picked his nose for 10 years. When he scratched his head – it caved in.

A man is acquitted of rape because it’s revealed that 50 years ago his elderly victim worked as a prostitute. Family and friends are appalled by the acquittal and dumbfounded by the revelation. ‘What…that old woman – a former prostitute…Oh my God, talk about skeletons in the closet…and the acquittal, it’s a disgrace – this is not justice – it’s a joke.’

An elderly man had a hearing problem. He went to a doctor who fitted him with a hearing aid. The elderly man goes back a month later.
Doctor, ‘How’s your hearing?’ Your family must be pleased you can hear again.’
The elderly man replies, ‘I have not told them a thing. I just sit around and listen, I’ve changed my will three times.’

Three old women were talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
The 70 year old says, ‘I have this problem, I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.
The 80 year old says, ‘My problem is worse, I get up every morning at eight and grunt and groan on the toilet seat for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.
The 90-year-old says, ‘At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I crap like a cow.’
‘So what’s your problem?’ ask the others.
‘I do not wake up until nine.’

Two senior couples are walking, wives in front, men at rear. One man says to the other, ‘we went to a great little restaurant the other day, had a fabulous meal and good prices too.’
The other says, ‘we like to eat out too, what was the name of the restaurant?’
The man says, ‘you’ll have to help me a little here, what’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows a thorny bus?’
‘A Rose.’
‘That’s it,’ says the other, then calls out to his wife ahead, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?’

An elderly couple were watching television. The husband asked his wife, ‘what happened to our sexual relations?’
After a long, thoughtful silence, the wife replied, ‘I don’t know, I don’t think we got a Xmas card from them last year.’

Two elderly women were talking about their husbands.
‘I wish mine would stop biting his fingernails, it annoys me.’
‘Mine used to do that,’ the other woman commented, ‘but I quickly stopped him.’
‘How?’
‘I hid his teeth.’

Two old men go to a brothel. Madam instructs one of the girls to put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. They have their privacy. When they finish, one asks the other, ‘how was it?’
‘I think mine was dead, she just laid there, how was yours?’
‘I think mine was a witch.’
‘A witch.’
‘Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window.’

Two elderly men sitting on a park bench watch the girls go by. One says to the other, ‘I’m still interested in women. I always get excited when I see young girls go by. The problem is, at my age I don’t see so good any more.’

Two elderly women go for a drive. They come to an intersection. The traffic light is red but they go through. The woman passenger thought, ‘I must be losing it, I could have sworn we went through a red light.’ They come to another intersection, again the light is red and again they go through. The woman in the passenger seat was sure there was a red light but is really concerned she is losing it. She is getting nervous so decides to pay close attention at the next intersection. Sure enough, the light is red and they just go right on through. She turns to the woman driving and says, ‘my dear, do you know you’ve gone through three red traffic lights in a row? You could’ve killed us!’
The woman replies, ‘oh, am I driving.’

Three old ladies are discussing the travails of getting old. One says, ‘sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and don’t know if I need to put it away or make a sandwich.’
The second lady chimed in, ‘yes, sometimes when I’m at the bottom of the stairs I don’t know whether I’m coming home or going out.’
The third lady responds, ‘I’m glad I don’t have those problems, knock on wood.’ She rapped her knuckles on the table, then says, ‘that’ll be the door, I’ll see who it is.’

An elderly woman appears in court as a witness. The prosecutor asks, ‘do you know me?’The woman replies, ‘of course, I held you on my knee when you where a baby and, frankly, you’re a big disappointment. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think your wonderful but the entire community has nothing but contempt for you – you disgust me.’
Stunned, the lawyer points to the defense, ‘do you know him?’
‘Of course, I held him on my knee when he was a baby and, frankly, he’s a big disappointment. He’s dishonest, bigoted, has a drinking problem, a tumultuous marriage and his children are a bunch of misfits – he disgusts me.
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom into silence and calls the two lawyers to the bench. ‘If any of you asks if she knows me,’ he says in a quiet, firm but menacing voice, ‘I’ll instantly put you in jail for contempt of court.’

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A group of war veterans gather to honour their fallen comrades and to reminisce about their heroic exploits, courageous sacrifices and valouristic deeds.
My great granddad came here with the First Fleet. He was in the British army guarding the convicts.
My great granddad was one of the floggers who scourged the skin off the convicts’ backs.
Conversation shifts to new arrivals, ‘do any of them have a criminal record?’
‘What, I didn’t know you still need one to get in’

A group of war veterans gather for their annual reunion. ‘Remember when we ransacked the village and terrorized the inhabitants, we barged in and demanded, “food or we kill you…come on you bastards, this is war.”‘
Village head, ‘we have no food, it’s war and everything is in short supply.’ But the dreadfully alarmed villagers scrape up a few morsels all the same.
Then we demanded, ‘women or we kill you…come on you bastards, this is war.’
The village head fetches a bevy of withered, frail, antiquated women. The troops cringe and squirm.
Then the women shriek, ‘…come on you bastards, this is war!’

An old man confesses to murder on his deathbed. Family and friends are shocked and flabbergasted as he relates his story. The police are called who confirm that such a callous and dastardly deed occurred 40 years ago. The details he gave could not have been gleaned from the newspapers, only the perpetrator would know. The old man died so cannot be questioned. Nevertheless, the police are satisfied he’s the culprit and close the file.
Family and friends are horrified, bewildered and incredulous that it was him! ‘…I knew him as the kindest and most gentle father…he was a considerate husband…raised a family, his children are gainful, upright and altruistic citizens.’
St Peter noted this when the old man arrived at the Pearly Gates; he shakes his hand, wishes him well and tells him, ‘Go to Hell!

An elderly man was invited to dinner. He was impressed by the way his host preceded every request to his wife with such endearing terms, ‘my dear, precious, my love, sweetness, honey, my darling, my sweetheart.’ They’d been married for over 60 years and were still hopelessly in love and totally infatuated with each other.
While his wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host and whispered, ‘its exhilarating, ecstatic, felicitous and wonderful, after all these years you are still so polite and courteous to each other.’
The host, with a crestfallen look says, ‘I have to tell you the truth, I forgot her name 20 years ago!’

A distraught elderly man was behaving in a bizarre manner in a public place. The Police were called. He’d married a much younger woman, ‘…and every morning before we get up we make love…then she cooks a fabulous breakfast and again we make love…in the afternoon she cooks a fabulous dinner and we make love…in the evening she cooks a fabulous tea and we make love…and then, all night long we just make love…’
Policeman, ‘…so what’s your problem?’
‘I can’t remember where I live!’

Old man to doctor, ‘I’ve lost my memory.’
Doctor, ‘when did this start?’
Old man, ‘when did what start?’

An elderly couple went out to lunch. They ordered only one meal but an extra drink cup. The man carefully cut the hamburger in half and counted out the chips. One for her, one for him, one for her, until each had half. He then poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of her. The man began eating while his wife watched with her arms folded on her lap.
An intrigued waiter asks, ‘may I fetch you an extra meal?’
‘No, we’ve been married for 60 years, we’ve shared everything equally.’ Man replies.
The waiter asks, ‘is your wife going to eat?’
Wife, ‘its his turn with the teeth!’

An elderly man counsels his son, ‘if you want to live a long life, sprinkle a little gunpowder on your breakfast every morning.
The young fellow did this his entire life and died at the incredible age of 98!
When they came to dispose of his body, he blew a 3-meter wide hole in the crematorium wall.

Grandmother and granddaughter went out for a walk. They came across two dogs copulating. Granddaughter asks, ‘what are they doing, nana?’
Grandma, embarrassed, says, ‘the dog on top has hurt its paw and the one underneath is taking it to hospital.’
‘They’re just like humans, aren’t they?’
‘How do you mean?’
Granddaughter, ‘offer someone a helping hand and they screw you every time.’

An ugly old guy sent his picture to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying, ‘we’re not that lonely.’

The boss finally retires; on his farewell card, ‘the best news in 20 years.’

Design on a T-shirt: – Genuine antique; been there, done that, can’t remember.

An old man was not feeling well so he goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him and says, ‘I’m afraid I have bad news, you do not have long to live.’
Old man asks, ‘how long?’
Doctor, ‘nine.’
Old man, ‘nine what?’
Doctor, ‘8, 7, 6, 5, ……’

An 80 year old man goes to confession and tells the priest, ‘forgive me father for I have sinned.’ I’m 80 years of age, happily married for 55 years, have four children and 12 grandchildren. Last night I was unfaithful for the first time. I made love to 2 gorgeous 20-year-old girls.
Priest, ‘when was the last time you went to confession?’
‘I’ve never been to confession, father, I’m Jewish.’
‘Then why are you telling me this?’
‘I’m telling everyone!’

An elderly man and an elderly woman, widower and widow, befriend each other in a retirement home.
Widow, ‘for $10 I’ll have sex with you in the rocking chair,
for $20 I’ll have sex with you on the couch,
for $50 I’ll take you to my room, cook you a bumper meal and give you a night of loose morals, slack lust and debauchery you’ll never forget.’
The widower considers this and then takes a $50 note out of his pocket.
Widow, ‘you’ll have a meal and a night of wild, erotic passion?’
Widower, ‘no, I’ll have sex in the rocking chair 5 times!’

Two senior citizens befriend each other in a nursing home. They agree to have sex. Man observes, ‘its been so long since I’ve done it I’ve forgotten how it goes.’ He starts their lovemaking with gentle touching, fondling and kissing about her face. They slowly, sensuously and romantically take their clothes off. At his age he needs more time with foreplay and caressing so as to get an erection. He’s stroking his penis sure he’ll be able to rise to the occasion. He remembers the good old days when it spontaneously sprang up. Success at last, he has a nice, firm, huge erection. He mounts her, slips it in, thrusts a few times then softly and politely says, ‘Ma’am, you have no tits and a tight box.’
She abruptly snaps, ‘get off my back.’

A centenarian was interviewed for the local newspaper.
‘What’s the nicest thing about being a 100?’
‘No peer pressure.’

Grandpa and grandma were reminiscing about the good old days.
Grandma, ‘do you remember when we first dated, you’d reach over and romantically take hand.’
Grandpa looked over and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry, little smile grandma pressed further, ‘darling, do you remember, after we were engaged you’d lean over and kiss my cheek.’
Grandpa slowly leaned over and gave her a lingering, passionate kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder, grandma says, ‘sweetheart, do you remember, after we were married you’d kind of nibble my ear.’
Grandpa slowly got up and went into the house.
Surprised, grandma says, ‘where are you going?’
‘To get my teeth.’

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A 90-year-old spinster leaves instructions for her funeral, ‘I do not want any male pallbearers. They did not take me out when I was alive, they will not take me out when I’m dead.’

A group of old people experience the religious revival common in old age. They develop an interest in mysticism, spirituality, religion. They launch into a theological discussion about ‘the after life’ and reincarnation. One of the old fellows interjects, ‘if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I’ll probably come back as something extinct.’

A group of old people who undergo a religious revival are being baptized. The Reverend ducks one of the fellows in the river.
‘Have you found Jesus?’ he asks.
‘No.’
Ducks him again, ‘have you found Jesus?’
‘No.’
And ducks him again, ‘have you found Jesus!’ he exclaims.
‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’ exasperates the old revivalist.

Two old people sense their time is coming. They talk philosophically about, ‘…death, dying…the meaning of life…nothing lives forever…everything dies…there’s no immortality…dust to dust…everything is born, dies and is reborn…to everything there is a season…turn, turn, turn…’
Husband, ‘…and what is your biggest regret?’
Wife, ‘I married you, I gave you the best years of my life.’
Husband, ‘What, you mean there’s worse to come!’

Qualms of conscience finally get the better of an elderly man who confesses to his wife, ‘I’ve been unfaithful.’
‘How many times have you done this?’ she asks.
‘Over the past 50 years, 5 times.’
‘How did it happen?’
‘They were work colleagues with whom I developed very strong feelings, we booked into a hotel and made love.’
The wife breathes a deep sight of relief, ‘during our 50 year marriage, I’ve done it 11 times!

An old man was on his deathbed. His favorite food is chocolate chip biscuits. The smell is wafting from the kitchen. The stricken wretch drags himself out of bed, writhing with pain, gasping, and on hands and knees he crawls to the kitchen table. In desperation he exerts every ounce of strength and with his trembling hand reaches for a chocolate chip biscuit. Then his wife slaps him on the hand, ‘Please, do not touch those, they’re for the funeral.’

An 85-year-old couple dye. They’d been in good health for the past 10 years due to her interest in good nutrition and healthy living.
They reach the Pearly Gates. St Peter takes them to where they’ll spend eternity. It’s a luxurious mansion fitted with a magnificent kitchen, bathroom and lounge room.
The deceased man asks, ‘how much is it going to cost?’
‘Its free,’ replies Peter, ‘this is Heaven.’
They next go to inspect the golf course. It’s a marvelous facility with beautiful greens, tavern, bar and view.
The deceased man asks, ‘how much is it going to cost?’
‘Its free,’ replies Peter, ‘this is Heaven.’
Inside the tavern there’s a scrumptious banquet, looking delicious and invitingly laid out.’
The deceased man asks, ‘how much is it going to cost?’
‘Its free,’ replies Peter, ‘this is Heaven.’
Where’s the low-fat, health food stuff?
‘That is the miracle of Heaven,’ explains Peter, ‘you can eat as much as you like, you’ll never get fat and there’s no ill-effects.’
The old man flew into a furious rage. He glared at his wife and berated her, ‘if it were not for your vegetarian cooking and health foods we could’ve been here 10 years ago.

An elderly couple were married a long time. But it was an unhappy, fractious marriage. All day and everyday they argued and bickered. They were brusque, sharp and abrupt to each other. The only way they could communicate was to yell and scream at each other.
The old man once threatened, ‘when I die I will dig my way out of my grave to come back and haunt you.’
The old man died and was buried.
Acquaintances of the old woman ask, ‘aren’t you afraid your deceased husband will dig his way out of his grave to come back and haunt you?’
‘No,’ says the old woman, ‘I had the coffin put in up-side-down.’

A 90-year-old woman was heartbroken, despondent and miserable over the recent death of her beloved husband. She decides to kill herself so she can join him. She chooses to use her deceased husband’s hunting rifle to shoot herself in the heart since it’s already broken up anyway. But, not wanting to mess things up, she visits her doctor to inquire, ‘where exactly is the heart?’
Doctor, ‘on a woman its below your left breast.’
Later that night, she was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!

An old man’s golf game is deteriorating due to failing eyesight – he can no longer see where the ball went.
He asks his old friend ‘where did the ball go?’
‘I can’t remember.’

The doctor tells an old man needing a heart transplant the only heart available is a sheep’s heart.
He agrees and the doctor transplants his heart.
A few days later the old man comes in for a check up.
Doctor, ‘how are you feeling?’
‘Not BaaaaD.’

A friend visits an old woman and notices on her old pump organ, a glass bowl filled with water and a condom floating in it.
Intrigued she asks, ‘what’s this?’
The old woman replies, ‘I was out walking and found it on the ground, the directions said, put it on the organ, keep it wet and it’ll prevent disease, I have not had a sick day since.’

Four old friends had been playing golf together for decades but their enthusiasm was waning.
One old fellow says, ‘these greens are getting longer all the time.’
The second says, ‘these hills are getting steeper as the years go by.’
The third says, ‘these sand traps get bigger as time passes.’
The fourth old fellow offers the benefit of his maturity, ‘Oh, stop complaining you fellows, just be thankful your still on this side of the grass.’

A man asks his wife, “What are you doing today.”
“Nothing.”
“But you did that yesterday.”
“I have not finished.”

Two ninety-year-old men had been friends all their lives. They played football together. One fellow senses his time is coming. He asks, “Do they have football in Heaven?”
The other fellow pleads, “When you get to Heaven I want you to tell me if they have football in Heaven.”
The old fellow dies and weeks pass. Then one night the other fellow is awakened by a blinding flash of light. He hears a voice, “I’m your life long football mate. I have some good news and some bad news.”
The old fellow pleads, “What is it? Give me the good news first.”
“The good news is, there’s football in Heaven. All of our football mates are up here. The weather and ground is perfect all the time. They play football every Saturday. Now for the bad news, your on our team this Saturday.”

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these. There’s similar writing, please click these Links:

Old People Jokes. Part 2
Old People Jokes. Part 3
The Glories of Old Age
Why Bother Anymore and Ghosts

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